DementedBlogger

Eight days ago I had a brilliant idea… now look at me. I have inherited a disaster at work, one another company started, screwed up, was ejected from, and one I really wish I had a lot less involvement in now.

The stress is unreal, this job is going on two years old and it is only a three story motel. I inherited the headache about a month ago, and about eight days ago the general contractor went into hyper drive… They tried to get me to finish two weeks worth of work in two days, but were informed that I am the son of a diesel mechanic, and that my name is not Jesus… find your miracles elsewhere.

Eight days ago I had one more complete tooth in my head, two days ago that changed when one of them broke off….

Eight days ago my boss could sort of remember what he had told me previously, now he is asking me why things are being done “his” way. Ouch, ever argue with your boss about he/she telling you to do something and that is exactly why it is the way it is?

Eight days ago one of our cats had not gotten into a fight with something that creates infections when it bites, another hundred dollars to cure….

Eight days, not much of a stretch in a time wise sort of way, but try those eight days without even a single cigarette. Yuppers, eight “daze” ago I put them down, eight days of hell, eight days of stress above and beyond normal, eight days of withdrawals not even Dante could describe….

Yes, you heard me right- I quit smoking! After somewhere around thirty five years of intentionally breathing smoke and nicotine, here I sit eight days into a new era for me.

 Funny how I don’t feel really good about it just yet. I guess I always thought the withdrawals would be over by now. Nope, they keep on coming… maybe by eighty days?

Dealing with all the crap I have with the light headed, maybe I won’t die from this after all, DAMMIT attitude… Don’t even consider asking me how far I would walk for a camel right now! I probably would at least consider changing shoes multiple times as they wore out….

Thomas H. Forthe

I once wished that I had the ability to remember everything that ever happened detail by detail, like other people I have met during the course of my disaster err life.

Remembering dates would be nice, like birthdays, and the years of special events could be helpful, but apparently that particular higher function of my brain has always been beyond my grasp.

However; a faulty memory can, at times, be a good thing. To forget is divine… shouldn’t that be added to the list of great literary quotes?

 There are things I wish I could forget, like ol’ whats her name that I misspent my youth on (unfortunately, that name is burned into my mind, and refuses to be bleached out.)… being arrested, for of all things, forgetting to pay a traffic ticket would also be nice.

The young girl who stole my heart, and returned it shattered and bleeding, or so it seemed at the ripe old age of seventeen. She is solely responsible for ol’ whats her name to get her talons on the broken pieces and keep them for nearly a decade. Ok, so I lied, it was my own stupid fault, but it sounds better to the idiot author! Just because little miss right dumped me is no reason to settle for little miss not even close!

Out of simple fairness I should point out that little miss alien invasion did produce a perfect son, one that was the true bright spot in nearly a decade of self induced home invasion by a transient species.

An apology is in order, I am not, nor have I ever been perfect, (if I was, it is merely a faulty memory.) and she was not solely to blame… I may not have been her idea of Mr. perfect either, but I really can’t remember.

Now if only I could find my mind, I seem to have misplaced it!

Thomas H. Forthe

I seem to be locked in a time loop. Everything is reverting to my teen years, and because I can, with the aid of the Internet I am reliving memories I vaguely remember….

The band “Sweet” returned to the forefront of my conscious, a by product of Youtube, and the Internet age. “Ballroom Blitz” was a distant memory until, with a few strokes of the keyboard, the song roared back to life complete with memories of jamming out to it on a “cruise” night! I don’t know how I never managed to store the bands name in memory back then… perhaps an herb had a role to play in that particular faulty memory, or a girl, or well, we’ll stop there and leave it to the collective imaginations….

All I know is after visiting Amazon, I now own “Sweets” greatest hits… and “Hearts”, I know, I have a new addiction! Not all the oldies are on Youtube, but the list is growing and the collection is too.

The good old days weren’t always that good though, if memory serves, there were days I would much rather forget. Not all memories are meant to be shared, and in certain cases, I truly wish the brain had a delete function and I could eradicate a few dozen or so!

When immortalizing teenage memories I find it useful to occasionally look back at those to remind myself that doing it all over again is really not an option, or at least, not one I would ever care to utilize.

Music is normally a safe zone though, and as long as I avoid ol’ whats her names favorite song, I do ok. Strange how a song can trigger memories strong enough to nearly relive them.

Set aside some time, log onto Youtube, and let the fog of years fade away… there’s a teen inside you just itching to get out and jam!

Thomas H. Forthe

How many of us flow through life, carefully laying aside keep sakes for a quick trip down memory lane? How many of us reach a point where memory lane can fill a large storage shed?

I once thought I had cleared out a large batch of memories, but on closer inspection I found I had merely stored it for later. I am pretty sure that I do not stand alone in my folly.

In today’s economic idiocy, it pays to slash unnecessary bills, and one good place to start is the insidious storage shed.

Why I chose to keep three copies of certain books is beyond me, for that matter, so is how I came to acquire three copies….

Partial Encyclopedias, not complete sets mind you, but two or three books hold certain special memories of grocery store specials that were not so special.

A coffee cup collection, carefully wrapped in old newsprint is another necessity that everyone should have the privilege of paying to store! Lids to cooking pots that have long missed their match, and broken yard tools that ended up replaced because I forgot they were gathering rust, awaiting their call to glory.

Clothing that might one day be needed in a pinch, such as if they quit making more… nuclear winter anyone?

Old furniture that would grace any fireplace in the country, need I say more?

Thomas H. Forthe

I made a new acquaintance the other day… the shop pet. He wandered out from under his lair, coming out to explore the open expanse of concrete and survey his kingdom!

He was in plain site for several minutes before scurrying back underneath things that aren’t really easily moved. We didn’t name him/her, he/ she just is…

I’m not entirely sure of the exact species anymore than the gender, but arachnid’s of that size usually bring to mind only one, tarantula….

Now, I’m not a gambling man, but the odds of him climbing my leg to get in a really good bite are pretty small, so he we didn’t tear the shop apart to terminate his pest control contract. I just won’t be reaching into areas that I can’t see into any time soon.

As long as he doesn’t decide to get the urge to share my lunch, we will get along fine.

It never ceases to amaze me what can end up in the backyard pond… especially when it is connected to the bay, and the bay is connected to the Gulf of Mexico….

I had leaping Manta rays last weekend, flinging themselves out of the water in a vain attempt at flight.

I have seen sharks, both large and small, cruising the end of the bayou for unwary prey.

Dolphins are our favorites though, and always cause a commotion when they drop in to spread awe and the occasional coronary… My neighbor nearly fell off the dock when a 10 footer thrashed madly trying to catch lunch a few years ago. He was standing on his dock facing away from the Dolphin when it started after its luckless meal, chasing it into the shallows and nearly up the boat ramp to catch it. The rooster-tails of water were really flying off that mammal, but the neighbor held his own, windmilling to keep from tipping from the edge of the dock and into the water with who knows what in it… his back still turned to the water.

This morning a mother and child tag team of Dolphins were creating quite the show, chasing the locals around, and splashing. I ended up with several good photos after running for the house to retrieve the camera, coffee had been foremost on my mind until the Dolphins cavorting begged for pictures!

Two of those pictures are featured here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1935318/dolphins_in_the_backyard_.html?cat=7

and I have posted one more here on the blog.

Thomas H. Forthe

The IRS tried to contact me, by e-mail no less… I simply could not pass up the opportunity to respond.

Now that several hundred filthy rich Nigerian relatives have passed from this world, and left their long lost cousin from the era of neanderthal a huge fortune, and the United Nations has stepped in and dropped me a line to kindly let me know that this is as real as it gets… Why even the FBI has sent a Internet note to back it all up and ease my mind, telling me that this cannot possibly be a scam!

The IRS in their wisdom is trying to add to my fortune… evidently they missed those millions of dollars careening in from all of those relatives just dying to leave me a heritage that will support me long after Social Security ceases to function!

To receive this windfall, all I have to do is submit my refund payment… that’s right, submit it. I can download the pertinent form right from my e-mail, a mere 213KB file, and submit it right away so they can send me my $733.50, I bet if I download it I will get a few bonuses too! I would bet that there are a yacht or two and some gold bullion just lying around the IRS offices that they can send along with my check….

The e-mail did come with a stern warning, anyone providing false information would be “pursued and indicated”! I don’t know about you, but the last thing in this world that I want to have done to me is to be “indicated”.

It must have been a typo, they had to have meant the lesser penalty of “syndicated” which carries a much smaller fine and jail sentence!

Good ol’ IRS, always willing to instill fear of torture over “submitting” a refund payment.

Perhaps I should consider moving to Nigeria, obviously the tax laws are simpler and one can amass a fortune in no time, and the Government there has already been kind to me… all those nice e-mails they sent to let me know how to send my money to claim my inheritance…

Thomas H. Forthe

How did we ever survive without the cell phone? What happened to the days of blissfully wandering off without a care in the world or ties to it?

I once caused my mother a conniption fit, traveling around the country, at the ripe old age of seventeen, looking for a job, seeing the world, and generally driving her crazy with worry.

I traveled Colorado and Wyoming. I saw people lighting fires under the oil pans of their vehicles to get them to start. (Not a great idea by the way.) I don’t remember the exact temperature, but forty below zero seems to stick out for some reason… Wyoming has no sense of decency when it comes to temperature.

The ol’ car gave up the ghost in Wyoming and I was forced to leave it and many of my earthly possessions behind and hitch hike home. Riding with a very drunk couple in a blizzard will give you a whole new outlook on walking long distances let me tell you.

Now to a teenager a month is not a long time, but to the mother of said teenager it is a whole other story! I walked up to the house, happy to be home, and got to see a whole new side to my mom… right after she made sure all my fingers and toes were still there.

If only cell phones were around then, she could have spread that shredding out over the entire time I was gone, instead of having to wait for me to show up to vent it all away!

Thomas H. Forthe

Ouch! Yes that is right, I need my head examined… I became a roofer today. Well maybe not became one… more like became a learnee, or a trainee of sorts.

Mostly what I learned was that I really got out of shape since I have been unemployed! Right now I’m hoping the adage that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is true, but I might consider cremation….

I had forgotten about certain body parts being attached. Don’t worry though, they reminded me that they are still attached today, and I am sure they will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

I have to get up at 3:30 am to make it to the job site by 5:30 am, so I may be posting late if at all until I acclimatize myself to this torture. Did I say torture? I thunk that compared to what I did today the detainees at Guantanamo should all face the rising sun and be very thankful that they aren’t eligible for training….

Tom

I spent the last two days playing contortionist under the sink cabinet, and the adjoining cabinet, changing out another genius’s wonderful plumbing disaster from many years ago.

Funny how a small thing, like changing out a faucet, can change from an hour long job to several days of hair pulling, name calling, and multiple trips to the hardware store! I bet his ears are still burning.

Trying to pry 6′6″ of body into two square foot of cabinet space and still be able to see what I was doing, and use my arms has left me with an appreciation for those poor souls that make their living as human pretzels on a regular basis. It has also left me with an intimate relationship with a heating pad and a bottle of Ibuprofen.

Laying half inside a cabinet raised off the floor with the other half sprawled across a concrete floor does wonders for the human body and I am thinking that five gallons of gas and a match might have been the best method of plumbing by far….

Thomas H. Forthe