DementedBlogger

Normally a computer is a good thing, but occasionally they bring out their darker side, and really mess with your head.

You can fire up the ol’ box a thousand times without a glitch, and then “it” happens, a cynical and vicious twist in the binary code.

The computer turns on you, and bites the hand that needs it.

They slow down, taking forever to load pages or even load the desktop. They refuse to communicate with what they perceive as lesser members of the cyber world, like ISP’s and software, and have even been known to turn their backs on rodents and other input devices.

I have even witnessed the brutality of a WWF esque chair slam to the back of a program or two….

Beware the evil box!

Thomas H. Forthe

I don’t know how many of you write on the Internet, but if you do, I’m sure that at some time you have met this fabulous creature, the Internet troll.

They live only to add their words of endless wisdom to the comment section. The comment section allows anyone that can type to be published on the Internet….

Some of the prerequisites for being a troll are:

A full and thorough knowledge of profanity and no fear of using it.

A third grade education. However this is debatable as some seem to be unable to spell at that level and may not have aimed high enough with their education.

The social demeanor of an alligator.

The rules of grammar and punctuation were meant to be broken, and this above all else MUST be adhered to.

Have an opinion! Preferably an opinion contrary to all other life forms in our galaxy….

The ability to repeatedly hit enter when posting. No few are at the Olympic level in this competition.  There are a few inventive people trying hard to stop this orgy of “entering”, may the force be with them.

And if all other attempts to aggravate and intimidate fail; you MUST be thoroughly versed in name calling tactics 101. Few things are as effective as a well placed slanderous remark about parentage or sexual preference!

Anyone wishing to join these valorous ranks can get “special” training  available in every city, town, or roadside community. Primary schools (k-5) are a public entity dedicated to higher education. Routinely groups are formed by students to instruct others on these finer points in human behavior.

The current organization: Trolls Offering Social Slander, or TOSS, is founded by its current chairman Hugh R. Dumas.  The organization is recruiting for apprentice Trolls to fill badly needed positions, since many members are getting older and leaving the organization for other career choices upon graduation to the higher education establishment of middle school.

Trolling, it’s not just for fisherman anymore!

Thomas H. Forthe

I don’t mean that literally, ink would stain their fur and the page would smear, and the clawing you would receive could prove painful….

But, try to type with a cat on your lap that would much rather you pet them and see what happens.

My wife’s ability to decipher a cats gender came into question when, “Misty”, became “Mystery”, and she was a he… Mystery thinks petting is a two handed sport, and refuses to believe otherwise.

He will climb up on the desk and grab the offending hand, giving it no choice but to comply with his demands. Try to switch hands to type, and so will he, and he is not one bit shy about biting it (gently) to get his way. 

If all else fails and you insist that you really do need both hands to type, he switches tactics and gets into your face! He becomes a lover kitty and rubs his head on your face as hard as he can, trying to keep his head between you and the monitor. Both hands are needed to remove him. Guess what? He won….

I have to lock him in another room to write, putting him down is pointless. He can jump right back and isn’t one bit afraid to do so, Repeatedly!

Tigers approach is less subtle. She will climb on the keyboard and lay down, and again two hands are required. She wins….

Thomas H. Forthe

I was new to the resume game. I say was because after writing a zillion of them I think I have worn the “new” part off.

Remember the good old days when air was clean and sex was dirty? And a resume was a hand shake? I think it’s some kind of alien plot designed to over simplify our world… Ya right!

Each employer wants a resume written just for them, like a love letter, only not nearly as much fun to write, or receive.

It has to be engineered, not simply written. A testament not only to your writing skill, but you also need to list all of your saintly qualities in alphabetical order. They prefer to see you beg with style and prose. After all every Janitor needs to be able to quote Shakespeare on a moments notice, just in case the CEO is feeling a little blase.

A resume will show your every community service, volunteer work, not work release….

I would offer to transport said paperwork to the next HR representative, lofted atop a silver platter, surrounded by tea and crumpets, but I have no idea how to send them over the Internet….

It is getting ridiculous out there folks, and it will only get worse.

Thomas H. Forthe

I have a bone to pick with the search engines! It seems they have gotten lazy of late and refuse to find my articles. Oh the pain!

It’s not like I was hiding them, intentionally keeping them from being found. All my other articles are indexed, so why did they ignore these five?

Mind you several of the five should have been one the first page of any search, but simply are not there. There is one or two that were not written to seek out the ever present readers of the Internet, but that is another story….

I think the search engines were on break when my articles stopped by, and were missed among the sodas and cigar smoke. Silly search engines!

Here is one of them: here a Seo’d and key worded article on alternative energy. One that should have tackled any passing search engine and wrestled it to the ground. This was my first attempt at serious key wording and it gets a little “wordy”. It will also be the last.

Next is a great little piece on how to build a plastic model for beginners: here 

Placing links to articles is one way to “put them out there” for the search engines to find. Today.com has a policy that does not allow multiple links, so be sure not to use more than one or two at a time to avoid them discussing the problem with you….

Social sites are another way to post articles or blog posts to get them indexed. Facebook, Twitter, and Digg are but a few of the many sites people look for when the social bug strikes.

There again don’t spam them, you will only get yourself blocked for your trouble or turned in for spam. Promote other authors articles with a link and socialize with other members or you are simply shooting yourself in the foot.

Thomas H. Forthe

Computers were supposed to be a great thing, easing our days by putting the world at our finger tips , making work far more productive, causing the world to live in harmony and birds to sing (can you hear the harp playing in the background?)….

NOT! I spent the better part of the night locked in a cage match, fighting a losing battle with mine. Micro Soft really needs to come up with a screen that taunts the user, laughing hysterically at our pitiful attempts to sort out the disasters that their programming can create.

I added a spybot killer, a registry cleaner and an anti- virus program this week. They hate each other and refuse to work in the same office space. I had to let the first registry cleaner go, it refused to work and kept lobbying for more wages….

You know there is a problem when closing the Internet out and returning to the desktop takes fifteen minutes or more.

I nearly resorted to a new and drastic program, one that involved injecting lead into the hard drive at high velocity.

Thomas H. Forthe

It is tough to see an animal in pain. Ol’ Char managed to get herself stung by a bee the other day and all day yesterday she was moping around asking the world to feel sorry for her.

She got nailed in the back leg and it swole up about triple its normal size. She refused the ice packs and would not keep them on.

We Got some Benadryl down her and kept an eye on her to be sure she didn’t develop breathing problems.

She limped horribly when she knew we were watching, and limped about half as bad when she thought we couldn’t see. She kept looking at me with pleading eyes, as if to say, “Please dad, will you carry me?” But I let her drag her own 100 lbs of Purina around and answered “Ya, right!” I hate having to be so compassionate, but sometimes you just have to….

She is nearly back to her old bouncy self today, but if she realizes she isn’t limping, she can fake it with the best of ‘em and will even look back to see if you are watching and appropriately concerned.

It’s a dogs life.

Thomas H. Forthe

No post today, I am running late, sorry.

It happened again, I was just sitting there, filling out another on-line application when it decided it did not like me or my typing and refused to allow me entrance.

This time it was after a mere six or seven pages, and not 20 or more in… It was right before the actual application itself began. It asked me for a pin number to continue, but it had not bothered to give me one and reputed my every effort to obtain said pin number.

I tried their tech support, nope, my e-mail account has evidently had it’s feeling hurt by their e-mail account and refused to acknowledge its existence.

We are not talking a small local store that uncle Fester created an application for here, but a large National chain store that should have hired a better Fester….

Yes, I was struck down by Fester the on-line application molester.

Thomas H. Forthe

Have you ever had the pleasure of filling out an on-line job application?

If not, try very hard never to have to….

I don’t know who the genius was that designed these forms that I tried to fill out, but I truly believe that person has only seen one over his or her entire life time. All eighteen years of it.

Not all jobs are easily classified, nor do all answers fit neatly in a tiny box. Just try and put a non hourly wage into a box that refuses to accept it, and see what your blood pressure will do for you.

Don’t have a cell phone at the moment? don’t bother to apply. There is no space to check for : I will get one if you bother to hire me.

What do you do when you’ve filled out twenty pages of information, only to hit a brick wall at a hundred miles an hour? It is the sudden stop that gets you… and there is no getting around it.

Do you have more than four jobs in your resume? Well you really did not want to type them all in anyway now did you? God forbid you may not remember a phone number or address from 30 years ago….

Employers have found a great way to weed out prospective employees in this new age of technology. Instead of an application with a box about the size of a nanite to hold four hundred words; the new on-line application not only saves paper, but refuses to allow any chance of being filled out by a normal human being what-so-ever. Saving said employer countless hours of reading and interviewing I’m sure.

These applications were no doubt engineered by the same people from accounting that drew up the billing  paperwork we all know and love.

Thomas H. Forthe